Family Secrets

Today we celebrated Gideon's second birthday. (It's really tomorrow, but there is so much scheduled that we wanted to make sure the celebration wasn't overlooked.)

For most of the day I have been thinking and remembering how our lives have changed since the morning he came into our family. Gideon was born at home after what has to be one of the easiest labor experiences a parent could hope for. He was healthy, I felt great, and we had a couple hours to get acquainted before the brothers and sisters would be up to hear the exciting news. Since that day, Gideon has been a ray of sunshine wherever he goes. Even as a baby he would make eye contact and smile with people sitting behind us in church. I think his intention was to see how many smiles he could initiate before the meeting ended. He still occasionally hops off my lap and wanders to various pews to spark a smile from someone who needs a little special attention. He loves hugs, and is constantly watching to see what is happening around him so he can learn life's important lessons from the people who love him. These include how to do the laundry, unload the dishwasher, and cook (I have to watch VERY closely, and he understands the word "HOT"). He wants to put on special shoes for dance class and lines up with the rest of the family when the music starts.

I still vividly remember standing in the bathroom later on the morning of his birth, being so impressed and grateful for the blessings we had experienced when I was struck by the thought that he would not be our last child. For the last two years I have wondered how long Gideon would be my little baby, and who was still waiting to join our growing family. After seven healthy, wonderful children, I feel humbled. Humbled to think that I daily stand in the presence of spiritual giants. Can I really be so fortunate to be the mother of another precious soul the equal of those I already know and love? Humbled to realize that my body isn't quite a resilient as it was in those early years of marriage. To a great extent I have to put my trust in God that He will support and sustain me sufficiently to do what needs to be done (but maybe not without significant effort and even inconvenience on my part). Humbled to realize that the growth I have experienced as an adult is directly related to learning to cope with challenges in my marriage and parenting. I will be returning to the school ground of interrupted sleep, breastfeeding concerns, and possibly some new challenges that will continue to refine my better self.

Announcing the expectation of a new baby has never been easy for me. When Daniel and I found we were pregnant for the first time, it was something that I just wanted to keep to myself for awhile. When we finally told our parents a month later, I still felt like it was something private and personal, not to be the topic of idle family gossip. A week later, I miscarried. Our first child was born almost a year later, and I still felt like I needed the privacy of my own home and family to make these adjustments, without fanfare and attending well-wishers. A year later I found myself pregnant again, surprised that I could be 4 months along before realizing what was happening. By our third pregnancy, I was sensitive to the fact that our blessings might be the source of pain to family and friends who were struggling to start their own families. I wished there was a way to quietly have our family without adding to the emotional burdens of others. When family is too far away to be of immediate help, does the knowledge of a future birth add anything to their happiness when it might be the source of some very real pain? Those I wanted most to spare were the ones who would probably think about it most.

As the mother of seven children, I don't think one more makes much difference in the eyes of curious onlookers. Several weeks ago, I learned that my talents as a mother were again being called into service. I am thrilled, and somewhat surprised that for the first time I really want to tell the world how excited I am about whoever will be joining our family. At the same time, my history keeps me quiet about the thoughts that constantly fill my mind and heart. I haven't told my parents or siblings, waiting until the time passes that marked the end of my first pregnancy. I haven't told my friends here because I don't want them to think about me any differently yet. I enjoy being asked how I am doing, when I think it refers to my daily life and children because I can testify that my life is good, we are healthy, God has blessed us. As soon as I think my kind friends are thinking about my pregnancy, the answer changes to queasy stomach and a new need for naps. Maybe my reservations are just some false pride. I don't enjoy being the center of attention. I don't enjoy imagining that my choices might be the subject of another's scrutiny. Maybe this is another of the lessons I still need to work through. But...

For the record, I am excited to announce the arrival of another member of the Rowles family, expected early in October 2011.

Self-improvement

Saturday morning is here. I can hear the kids in the kitchen fixing their own breakfasts, just like they do most mornings. Something inside me wants to be with them, flipping pancakes or pouring cereal, but I sit comfortable in my warm bed and look around me, almost overwhelmed by the projects and chores that I wish were completed. The laundry is folded, but still in piles; the bathroom mats are washed, but the floor is unswept. In the kitchen I know the dishwasher needs to be emptied, and the table wiped from dinner last night.

Almost every morning I remind myself of the verse: Cease to be idle; cease to be unclean; cease to find fault one with another; cease to sleep longer than is needful; retire to thy bed early, that ye may not be weary; arise early,that your bodies and your minds may be invigorated. (D&C 88:124) Then I wonder why the evening hours so easily pass away until I can't keep my eyes open any longer (accomplishing nothing) and I wake the next morning already behind the kids and reminded of tasks I want to tackle but don't have the motivation to start.

I wasn't always this way. Growing up I enjoyed waking at 5:00. Probably the only time of the day the house was quiet and I could have it all to myself. There was time to shower, eat breakfast, take as long as needed to prepare for the day before heading off to school by the time the house started to stir. In college I worked the opening shift at the library, and never had any trouble being there when the doors were unlocked. Early hours on my mission were also a peaceful delight. I have thought how so much has changed. I still want to arise before daybreak and use those quiet hours to prepare myself and my home for the day, but another late night and another morning where I feel like I am already so far behind I can't catch up.

I can tell you all the reason, or I should say circumstances that have led to the change - years of interrupted sleep from pregnancy and nursing babies who never get the hang of sleeping through the night, a night owl husband who likes the quiet time together without interruptions from children, finishing a show that takes longer than expected, or following the inspiration to look up "just one thing really quick" on the internet that leads to hours of follow-up. None of them bad in and of themselves, yet the quiet voice continues: arise early that your bodies and your minds may be invigorated". I can't escape it. Regardless of my motives, the consequences remain. My mind is in a fog. I spend too much time each day just trying to think what I should be doing, or just wanting to enjoy my thoughts, but realizing that they are as cluttered at the kitchen and as hard as I try they can't communicate with me in a meaningful way.

I guess this is one of the reasons I decided to start writing again. So my thoughts have a place to organize themselves so I can benefit from them.

Now it is time to get up for real. We are helping with a service project this morning and with half an hour to get ready to go, I HAVE to do something. Maybe after helping to clean up someone else's clutter I will be inspired to come home and tackle my own.

Developing Talents

Inspire, not require; you, not them.

I'm probably misquoting this bit of wisdom. It pops into my head when I think about all the great ways my children should or could be spending their time. However, the impression remains that it's time for me to leave my comfort zone as an internet "lurker", and use my writing skills. Maybe I can inspire Samuel to edit his writing before sharing it; maybe Susannah will remember to finish the scarf she started for her sister. But if not, at least I will learn a new skill, and start writing instead of just thinking about writing.

I actually don't know whether I am writing for myself, or anyone else who might come across this page. I spend most of my day surrounded by the people I love most. I cook; I clean; I teach; I pray. But honestly, with the interruptions to my tasks and thoughts, I need a chance to just organize my mind. I look forward to reading great books, learning all the things I never studied in school, relearning some of the things I may have studied and forgot, building talents, and developing character. Having a place to share all these things makes the learning more meaningful to me. Having said this, the end result of this blog is wide open. I don't know how much will be updates on family and personal activities, and how much will be just thinking on paper where the whole world might see.