Family Secrets

Today we celebrated Gideon's second birthday. (It's really tomorrow, but there is so much scheduled that we wanted to make sure the celebration wasn't overlooked.)

For most of the day I have been thinking and remembering how our lives have changed since the morning he came into our family. Gideon was born at home after what has to be one of the easiest labor experiences a parent could hope for. He was healthy, I felt great, and we had a couple hours to get acquainted before the brothers and sisters would be up to hear the exciting news. Since that day, Gideon has been a ray of sunshine wherever he goes. Even as a baby he would make eye contact and smile with people sitting behind us in church. I think his intention was to see how many smiles he could initiate before the meeting ended. He still occasionally hops off my lap and wanders to various pews to spark a smile from someone who needs a little special attention. He loves hugs, and is constantly watching to see what is happening around him so he can learn life's important lessons from the people who love him. These include how to do the laundry, unload the dishwasher, and cook (I have to watch VERY closely, and he understands the word "HOT"). He wants to put on special shoes for dance class and lines up with the rest of the family when the music starts.

I still vividly remember standing in the bathroom later on the morning of his birth, being so impressed and grateful for the blessings we had experienced when I was struck by the thought that he would not be our last child. For the last two years I have wondered how long Gideon would be my little baby, and who was still waiting to join our growing family. After seven healthy, wonderful children, I feel humbled. Humbled to think that I daily stand in the presence of spiritual giants. Can I really be so fortunate to be the mother of another precious soul the equal of those I already know and love? Humbled to realize that my body isn't quite a resilient as it was in those early years of marriage. To a great extent I have to put my trust in God that He will support and sustain me sufficiently to do what needs to be done (but maybe not without significant effort and even inconvenience on my part). Humbled to realize that the growth I have experienced as an adult is directly related to learning to cope with challenges in my marriage and parenting. I will be returning to the school ground of interrupted sleep, breastfeeding concerns, and possibly some new challenges that will continue to refine my better self.

Announcing the expectation of a new baby has never been easy for me. When Daniel and I found we were pregnant for the first time, it was something that I just wanted to keep to myself for awhile. When we finally told our parents a month later, I still felt like it was something private and personal, not to be the topic of idle family gossip. A week later, I miscarried. Our first child was born almost a year later, and I still felt like I needed the privacy of my own home and family to make these adjustments, without fanfare and attending well-wishers. A year later I found myself pregnant again, surprised that I could be 4 months along before realizing what was happening. By our third pregnancy, I was sensitive to the fact that our blessings might be the source of pain to family and friends who were struggling to start their own families. I wished there was a way to quietly have our family without adding to the emotional burdens of others. When family is too far away to be of immediate help, does the knowledge of a future birth add anything to their happiness when it might be the source of some very real pain? Those I wanted most to spare were the ones who would probably think about it most.

As the mother of seven children, I don't think one more makes much difference in the eyes of curious onlookers. Several weeks ago, I learned that my talents as a mother were again being called into service. I am thrilled, and somewhat surprised that for the first time I really want to tell the world how excited I am about whoever will be joining our family. At the same time, my history keeps me quiet about the thoughts that constantly fill my mind and heart. I haven't told my parents or siblings, waiting until the time passes that marked the end of my first pregnancy. I haven't told my friends here because I don't want them to think about me any differently yet. I enjoy being asked how I am doing, when I think it refers to my daily life and children because I can testify that my life is good, we are healthy, God has blessed us. As soon as I think my kind friends are thinking about my pregnancy, the answer changes to queasy stomach and a new need for naps. Maybe my reservations are just some false pride. I don't enjoy being the center of attention. I don't enjoy imagining that my choices might be the subject of another's scrutiny. Maybe this is another of the lessons I still need to work through. But...

For the record, I am excited to announce the arrival of another member of the Rowles family, expected early in October 2011.