Birth Pains

Still waters run deep.  

Maybe it has something to do with being 40, or perhaps pregnancy.  In either case, this past year has been very deep water for me to swim in.  I feel like I am learning, growing, waiting, and praying that everything will turn out   I did a lot of that last year.  The pregnancy itself was pretty uneventful, but fears of higher risk because of age were always in the back of my mind.  There was also a lot more emotional chaos in my life than I am accustomed to, and I still don't know if that was pregnancy-related, or something else.  I had an excuse to let myself go, to spend more time thinking instead of trying to keep on top of the chores, to focus on myself instead of everyone else.  It was okay, though, because creating a new life is important enough to let go of the old one.  The day by day growth was imperceptible to me, but the results were unmistakable.  Something was going to change forever, and I had a fair idea of what that would involve.  You can't really know what it is like to give birth until you have done it.  You know that event is ahead, but worrying about it doesn't help anything.  It can only be gone through one moment at a time until the process is complete and you are holding the new creation you have been daily working toward for what seems like forever.

The birth of Christian was a little different than my usual pattern.  His was a slow and steady labor effort, lasting over twice as long as his siblings.  The contractions maintained a consistent distance apart (about 8 minutes) until nearly transition time.  I was much more active this time, like I was the one making the adjustments necessary for him to gradually make his way here.  When he did, his cord was around his neck, and it was short.  His dad made the adjustment needed for him to finish birthing, but he wasn't pink, and he wasn't moving.  We continued to work with him until he responded - a small movement and then a long yell.  Boy, was he angry! His color started coming in then, but it took at least another day before the color in his face and head matched the rest of his body.  Since then, he has been a healthy, happy little boy.  He sleeps well, eats well, and loves to look at faces and smile.  He seems pretty undisturbed by the noise an chaos that surround him, I guess choosing to enjoy the good times and let the other go by unnoticed.

Did I mention this past year has been hard?  I feel like I am learning, growing, waiting, and praying that everything will turn out.  I've read books about learning to come unto Christ, and perhaps these are just the aches and pains associated with being "born again".  That feeling I can handle things on my own? Gone.  The perception that I'm doing everything I can and that my difficulties are because other people are too focused on themselves? It turns out I've still got a lot to work on before I can point fingers.  Come to find out, I've got a Laman and Lemuel-like tendency toward toward murmuring about the difficulties of life, even if only to myself.  I sure hope that works itself out before I end up like them, trying to beat the messenger who will lead me to Zion.

I've heard birth experiences can reflect other things going on in life.  If I am the Christian still waiting to be born, do I need to be still while the Savior patiently guides the birth process for me and removes the cords that would hold me back and choke me? Or do I need to be the one moving more than I am accustomed to move?  In either case, it hurts.   Fortunately, now as then, I have the assurance and peace that God is mindful of me.  There are angels nearby to lend support when I need comfort and guidance.  Now as then, I can remember the counsel given me to "be patient with the process, and you will be satisfied with the outcome."