Friendship

I really enjoyed the topic of friendship this week.  Some people seem blessed with networks of supportive people they can lean on and laugh with.  I've never found people to be that safe for me.  Here are the eight points related to true friendship in this week's chapter of "Resolved":

1. True friends form around a shared insight, interest, or taste, enjoying the common bond uniting them.  I had never really thought about friendship being based on certain common ties.  I have difficulty opening up to people I don't really know, and my habits and hobbies are often solitary pursuits.  I wonder if that is a chicken-egg situation?

2. True friends accept one another, loving each other despite their human imperfections. I guess this is another area made more difficult by introversion.  When I am afraid to put my true thoughts or self on display, how can I feel accepted? 

3. True friends approve of one another, protecting each other's weaknesses while enhancing each other's strengths. 

4. True friends appreciate one another, encouraging, serving, and believing in one another's gifts and talents.  

5. True friends listen with empathy, learning the hopes, dreams, fears, and struggles of each other. What a gift that would be.  I am trying to be a better listener, but I still have work to do in this area.

6. True friends celebrate one another's success, proud of each other's accomplishments without a hint of envy. I think I do enjoy hearing others' success stories without envy.  The celebration comes with more difficulty for me.  I'm just not good at celebrating.  There always seems to be another responsibility riding the tail of success. 

7. True friends are trustworthy, maintaining all confidences shared with unimpeachable honor and self-respect, knowing that gossip separates the best of friends. This week in my trauma homework, I have been reading about the need of a support network.  Even professional counselors need a safe person to talk to when things start to get overwhelming. The less safe we feel, the more stress we carry and it takes a toll on our health and ability to continue.  Maybe fewer people would need professional counseling if they had real friends.

8. True friends are loyal, respecting and defending one another's character, reputation, and motives, as far as truth allows, while addressing any issues or concerns between them promptly and privately, ensuring misunderstandings never fester.  I would have to say that for individuals to be honest about their concerns and not worry that speaking truthfully would damage the relationship, they must be true friends.  Because it takes a true friend to believe that painful words can be said with love and also that sometimes we bring up difficult conversations out of concern, not condemnation.

These ideas aren't earth-shattering, but it has been worthwhile for me to think about what beliefs I have that keep me from seeking and maintaining more true friendships.  I have found that many relationships are formed of convenience and are quickly lost when situations change.  I do like the first point made because it rings true with my experience.  Those people who I feel share an understanding or appreciation of some aspect of my life feel safer for me to open up around.  It is not until I open up and am still accepted and even appreciated that I feel a friendship has been started.  The more obscure or even painful the shared experience is, the deeper that bond reaches because I know I am understood on a level that is based on my true self, not the image I show the world.

On another note, I am excited to report progress on my family life class outline.  Right now I have 8 units planned, covering Addiction, Emotional Development, Adverse Childhood Experiences, Trauma, Resilience, Secondary Trauma, Post-traumatic Growth, and resources for help.  I have had the opportunity to share some of this with several people I care about who are working through difficult situations and it seems to be helping them.  I don't know whether my thoughts are unique in addressing the risk and protective factors associated with addictions, but it is a good summary of what I have learned and I am excited to put the information in a format that others can easily access.