These last couple weeks have thrown me off my normal routine. Not only have I been coughing my head off, I went through a miscarriage. All the extra exhaustion and time off my feet has given me time to think.
The story of Easter seems to be the merging of life and death. We celebrate renewed life through resurrection on Easter Sunday, but without the previous death of our Savior, Jesus Christ, there would be no cause for celebration. In the same light, there have been many extremes of emotion related to the discovery and subsequent loss of a pregnancy. Each of my children has brought unspeakable joy into my life, but there has also been sacrifice required (I don't think I have had a full night's sleep in over 18 years, for example). Thinking about going through the pregnancy gauntlet again gave me more than a minute of concern. Yet, every time I see dimples flash or receive a brief hug from my existing angels, I was reminded that the price is temporary while the blessing is forever.
My thoughts today end here:
For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. (John 3:16)
This week I lost my voice, kind of. About a week ago when I was going to record the second part of my addiction workshop, I came down with a bad cough and didn't sound anything like myself. So, if anyone reading is wondering why it has taken so long to get another piece of my research, that's why. I didn't want to record something sounding like I was sick. The good news is that I have continued to work on scripting part 3. So, once my voice is back to normal I may have more than one completed section to send.
Without taking time to review what I have already written on the subject, I will just jump in with my thoughts this week. Forgive me if I am repeating things I've already said. My thoughts tend to do that.
When I first had the idea to put together a class, I didn't even know what the topic would be. I thought about parenting, finances, having a positive attitude, among others, but nothing really grabbed my attention. Anything I could write has already been said much better by other people. In the meantime, Daniel and I will be celebrating our 20th anniversary later this year. Both of us agree it has not come without a lot of growth, pain, and sacrifice. In the process, we have learned some things about ourselves and adversity that might be worth sharing with others who are walking our path. The focus of my workshop centers around looking at addiction through new eyes. The reason for this focus is that it represents a common struggle. In some families, the central conflict is identified and named as a specific addiction or set of addictions. In other families, that conflict is termed differently we might say someone has a bad habit, or label them lazy, selfish, wasteful, inconsiderate... It doesn't really matter. The point is there is something about a person in our lives, someone we love or once loved, that we would do anything to change. We can see the negative consequences of their behavior on themselves and others, yet nothing seems to fix them. The future starts to look hopeless, the present is lacking joy. And this THING seems to be the source of all the problems. The fact that the person won't change puts them in the box of being the problem too.
The point of the first part of the lesson is to see if we can look at an addiction, not as a problem, but as an indication of deeper wounds that are still unhealed. The subsequent parts illustrate how these wounds are inflicted, and why the person's behavior may be totally rational and even functional from where they stand. With knowledge comes power, with understanding comes a key to real change (of ourselves, which allows others the space they need to change in a healthy way too).
The second part was about emotional and social development and how our primary attachment to first our mother and then other people formed the pattern for how we "read" every other close relationship in our adult lives. People who feel rejected and unsafe do not and cannot respond the same way that other people do when stressful situations arise in close relationships. By understanding this, we can work to first create a safe environment to resolve conflicts, and then present our concerns and hoped for solutions.
This week's topic has been Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs). These 10 items relate to types of childhood trauma that are strongly correlated with adverse health and social outcomes for adults. The more ACEs a person experienced, the higher their risk of addiction, abusive relationships, chronic illness, and early death. Maybe that doesn't sound that impressive, until you realize the sheer number of wounded adults who are going around trying to live a normal life and are struggling to keep things together. You really can't look at the outside of a person and judge anything about what challenges they have faced. Maybe if we can learn that lesson, we can stop thinking we know what other people should be doing with their choices, and learn to give them what they really need. LOVE.
When I started this little summary, I said I was going to write what has been on my mind. Everything to this point was all background. Here is my point. When I started this project, I thought I had learned enough from my own experiences to offer some helpful information. I thought this class was for other people. What I have found is that in the process of taking time to research and write in a way that gets my point across, I am learning the material all over again in a whole new way. I truly hope that my project is helpful to someone. I just know it has helped me to be a better wife. It has helped my husband to be a better spouse and friend as we talk more openly and with greater understanding of how we came to be the people we are. Had I known what I know now 20 years ago, I would have had a much easier time being married. Had I been able to explain to my husband what I have learned about myself over the last year, he would have been able to support me in ways that fostered our relationship instead of us each feeling like we had to fight for survival. I know this is pretty general, I'm writing primarily for myself here. Anyone who would like more information about the "Binding Broken Hearts" project can contact me and I will send them a link to completed sections. I just wanted to acknowledge that God knows us, and loves us so much. He has shown me that through the journey I continue on to find answers and happiness in life.
If you would like to take a quick ACEs quiz to see your score, click here. You may find it helps you understand people in your life a little differently.
19 And if there were miracles wrought then, why has God ceased to be a God of miracles and yet be an unchangeable Being? And behold, I say unto you he changeth not; if so he would cease to be God; and he ceaseth not to be God, and is a God of miracles.
20 And the reason why he ceaseth to do miracles
among the children of men is because that they dwindle in unbelief, and
depart from the right way, and know not the God in whom they should trust.
21 Behold, I say unto you that whoso believeth in Christ, doubting nothing, whatsoever he shall ask the Father in the name of Christ it shall be granted him; and this promise is unto all, even unto the ends of the earth. (Mormon 9:19-21)
A couple days ago, as I was driving Eric, I asked him if he knew the story of how his father became a Speech Pathologist. He was familiar with how the idea of speech pathology came to be an option, but wasn't familiar with how this became a reality.
For the record, I will write a brief summary here:
About two years after getting married and starting school at BYU, Daniel was halfway through his linguistics major. He was enjoying the computer related minor, and the classes he was taking, but realized that linguistics just wasn't something he wanted to spend the rest of his life doing. (Basically analyzing language structure, writing dictionaries, etc.) A friend from one of his classes mentioned taking classes toward a minor in Speech-language pathology. It sounded like a good idea, and after trying it out, decided that was what he wanted to do.
After another semester or two, I was working on finishing my thesis, we had a baby and another on the way, and the thought of spending another year before graduating was unappealing, so we looked at the credits needed to graduate early, and he got on track to finish his degree after only 3 years at BYU. The plan was to move to Logan where he could pursue a graduate degree. He took the GRE, applied to USU, and started wrapping up our loose ends in Provo. Sometime in April the letter came, telling him he was denied because his SLP minor didn't have all the required classes to be admitted into the graduate program.
Undeterred, we continued with the plan, had a baby, and started looking for a house and job in Logan, where he could take the missing classes. We found the house, moved, looked for work, started school, kept looking for work, and reapplied for grad school again.
By the time he second rejection came, he was working part time at a call center (that's another story within the story). At this point, we didn't know what to do. How could something that seemed so right keep going so wrong? Even his faculty advisor couldn't explain why he had been put on the waiting list.
After a month of seeming hopelessness, in frustration, I said, "In a perfect world, people would be PAYING you to get this degree. They need people trained in your field, and you want to work!" A couple weeks later a letter arrived, telling us about the Outreach Program, which was designed to do just that. In exchange for his agreement to work as a SLP in rural schools in Utah for five years, the state would pay for his graduate tuition. He would need to find a district to hire him, and the classes would be held at USU during the summer when school wasn't in session, as well as online on weekends during the regular school year.
As soon as we read that, we knew why he had been turned down, twice. This program cycled through every two years, and it was the best way for him to support his family while he finished going to school. Soon afterward, another letter arrived telling him he had moved up the list for regular admission to grad school, but we already knew that was not what he would be doing.
The next challenge was to convince a district to hire him. He contacted the special education director for Cache County School District, where we lived, but they weren't interested. Then began the stress about how far he might have to go for work. Brigham City was an option, but it was an hour away, through a canyon that often closes for bad weather in the winter. We had a house, so moving didn't seem a viable option. What to do? I don't know how much later, he received a call saying the Cache County was willing to at least interview him before making a final decision. By the time the interview ended, we felt like that hurdle had been crossed as well. Eventually the district offered him a job with the wages and benefits of a full time entry level teacher, with raises to come commensurate with the education he was earning.
The final obstacle was how to support the family the first summer when he was in school full time and couldn't work. Remember the call center job? Soon after we learned of the Outreach program, his work started a period of "kicker pay" which allowed employees to sign up for a ton of overtime, including overtime pay. He worked 60-80 hours per week for about a month, and by the time he quit the job (after only being there 6 months), we had enough to get us though the summer until his teaching paycheck would start to come in. By the time August rolled around, things were tight again. Teachers usually didn't start getting checks until the end of September, but when he went to orientation, they announced a new policy that new teachers could opt into an August check (with subsequent checks pro-rated accordingly). THE END!!!
This story might seem a little hard to follow, but here is what it illustrates to me. God is a God of miracles. Just as he parted the Red Sea for the Israelites standing on the bank, waiting for help, he parted every obstacle that would keep a young family from disaster. Not once has Daniel complained about the work he does. He loves helping kids in our little rural town, he has good colleagues, he continues to develop his skills. This miracle that started over 15 years ago has enabled him to provide for a family which has grown to 9 children on a single income so that I can be home, teaching our children to read, to dream, to trust God to do similar things in their lives as well. God is SO good to us. This is not the only miracle we have seen, but it serves as a pattern for faith and belief that keeps us trusting God even when all options seem closed.
There was a time in my life when I felt like I had hit bottom...then kept falling. Looking back now, I wonder how much of that feeling was a result of sleepless nights, hormones, isolation from friends and family, or other perfectly normal parts of life breaking through my defenses. Whatever it was, I remember clearly praying through my tears that God would show mercy and heal my broken heart. My remedy was to build walls to protect my heart from hurting. However, the thought clearly came to my mind that God requires a broken heart and a contrite spirit as the price for my salvation. That was sufficient explanation for me as to why bad things were happening when I was trying so hard to be a good person.
In the many years that have elapsed since that experience, the idea that God loves me enough to let my heart be broken so that I can be with Him again has stayed with me.
Several years ago I heard of a song "Blessings" by Laura Story that has the same theme:
'Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops? What if your healing comes through tears? What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near? What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?
I was thinking this morning about my workshop and how science describes what has typically been thought of as spiritual phenomenon (such as forgiveness, or a mighty change of heart/ being born again). The lessons I have put together at this point are not framed through scripture and the words of recognized spiritual leaders, yet they represent truths I have been led to through applying faith in dealing with my own personal challenges. The more I study trauma and painful experiences, the more I see how the simple things, like quiet time to meditate, hold a key for healing and finding peace in life. As this truth is shown to me over and over, I find myself more easily being able to give thanks for ALL THINGS, including broken hearts. While I still look forward to the day that all broken hearts will be made whole again.
