This week I lost my voice, kind of. About a week ago when I was going to record the second part of my addiction workshop, I came down with a bad cough and didn't sound anything like myself. So, if anyone reading is wondering why it has taken so long to get another piece of my research, that's why. I didn't want to record something sounding like I was sick. The good news is that I have continued to work on scripting part 3. So, once my voice is back to normal I may have more than one completed section to send.
Without taking time to review what I have already written on the subject, I will just jump in with my thoughts this week. Forgive me if I am repeating things I've already said. My thoughts tend to do that.
When I first had the idea to put together a class, I didn't even know what the topic would be. I thought about parenting, finances, having a positive attitude, among others, but nothing really grabbed my attention. Anything I could write has already been said much better by other people. In the meantime, Daniel and I will be celebrating our 20th anniversary later this year. Both of us agree it has not come without a lot of growth, pain, and sacrifice. In the process, we have learned some things about ourselves and adversity that might be worth sharing with others who are walking our path. The focus of my workshop centers around looking at addiction through new eyes. The reason for this focus is that it represents a common struggle. In some families, the central conflict is identified and named as a specific addiction or set of addictions. In other families, that conflict is termed differently we might say someone has a bad habit, or label them lazy, selfish, wasteful, inconsiderate... It doesn't really matter. The point is there is something about a person in our lives, someone we love or once loved, that we would do anything to change. We can see the negative consequences of their behavior on themselves and others, yet nothing seems to fix them. The future starts to look hopeless, the present is lacking joy. And this THING seems to be the source of all the problems. The fact that the person won't change puts them in the box of being the problem too.
The point of the first part of the lesson is to see if we can look at an addiction, not as a problem, but as an indication of deeper wounds that are still unhealed. The subsequent parts illustrate how these wounds are inflicted, and why the person's behavior may be totally rational and even functional from where they stand. With knowledge comes power, with understanding comes a key to real change (of ourselves, which allows others the space they need to change in a healthy way too).
The second part was about emotional and social development and how our primary attachment to first our mother and then other people formed the pattern for how we "read" every other close relationship in our adult lives. People who feel rejected and unsafe do not and cannot respond the same way that other people do when stressful situations arise in close relationships. By understanding this, we can work to first create a safe environment to resolve conflicts, and then present our concerns and hoped for solutions.
This week's topic has been Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs). These 10 items relate to types of childhood trauma that are strongly correlated with adverse health and social outcomes for adults. The more ACEs a person experienced, the higher their risk of addiction, abusive relationships, chronic illness, and early death. Maybe that doesn't sound that impressive, until you realize the sheer number of wounded adults who are going around trying to live a normal life and are struggling to keep things together. You really can't look at the outside of a person and judge anything about what challenges they have faced. Maybe if we can learn that lesson, we can stop thinking we know what other people should be doing with their choices, and learn to give them what they really need. LOVE.
When I started this little summary, I said I was going to write what has been on my mind. Everything to this point was all background. Here is my point. When I started this project, I thought I had learned enough from my own experiences to offer some helpful information. I thought this class was for other people. What I have found is that in the process of taking time to research and write in a way that gets my point across, I am learning the material all over again in a whole new way. I truly hope that my project is helpful to someone. I just know it has helped me to be a better wife. It has helped my husband to be a better spouse and friend as we talk more openly and with greater understanding of how we came to be the people we are. Had I known what I know now 20 years ago, I would have had a much easier time being married. Had I been able to explain to my husband what I have learned about myself over the last year, he would have been able to support me in ways that fostered our relationship instead of us each feeling like we had to fight for survival. I know this is pretty general, I'm writing primarily for myself here. Anyone who would like more information about the "Binding Broken Hearts" project can contact me and I will send them a link to completed sections. I just wanted to acknowledge that God knows us, and loves us so much. He has shown me that through the journey I continue on to find answers and happiness in life.
If you would like to take a quick ACEs quiz to see your score, click here. You may find it helps you understand people in your life a little differently.
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